from a small guide:
The Little Mistress Who Turned Into A Baby Koala (October 2021)
This revised blogpost is its conclusive and most important chapter.
“The Baby Koala Relationship; The Miracle Fix For People Who Love Each Other So Much Their Wee Little Hearts Just Floweth Over”
I’ve been single for 15 years, and before that I was in relationships for even longer.
But one thing I never did, was working ON those relationships.
They just happened.
And that was fine.
But when I noticed a dynamic where I was let’s say “not chosen”, by men I would love to spend my life with,
AND I saw them happily heading for other women and other relationships where I could immediately see, I was not gonna do all that,
I started thinking….
Although my intention when I became single 15 years ago had been to create an exciting love life with (a series of) multiple men, and not to improve on my relationships because they had been extremely good,
I found myself in kind of a post-doc trajectory on this journey of becoming good at being single.
A post-doc trajectory of what kind of relationship would follow on that.
After finding out exactly what made for a great life as a single, filled with love, affection, and some heartbreak too of course, but really great and exactly what I had been looking for, I was now PhD-ing on the next level of that.
If a man wanted to go next level with me, what did I have to offer?
If it was not everything I saw around me, where – in my opinion – the women were working their butts off to make the relationship work and the men were just hanging out in their lives until they got sick of it and then they behaved so badly they were basically thrown out?
What was the alternative?
If I didn’t want to be in a relationship where a guy could be so passive he didn’t even have to show up to break up because even that was something I (the woman) would do:
Then how to start?
And it was on that quest that the Baby Koala Relationship emerged.
It is so good, that once you’ve read this article, not only will you want one;
You’ll also totally be okay if the man or woman of your dreams chooses somebody else, because your desire for a non-koala relationship may have entirely evaporated, and you can easily let him or her go.
I mean we’re always happy for them right?
In an altruistic, Christian way of knowing that they should follow their heart and wishing them well.
But in this case I mean that you’ll actually think:
“Thank God, he or she did not choose me!
Because I want a Baby Koala Relationship and that’s not what he or she is offering! Now at least I have a chance of getting that.”
The Baby Koala Relationship is so good, that you’ll wholeheartedly want that or nothing at all.
The Baby Koala Relationship consists of two people:
– one baby koala (daily form)
/ adult playmate when having a date with the caregiver. The submissive.
– one caregiver (daily form)
/ charmer and strong lover when having a date with the koala. The dominant.
You can compare it to the top and the bottom in gay relationships, or the dominant and the submissive in S&M relationships. It’s an agreement between two consenting adults, on the basic dynamics of their relationship. It simplifies their lives and adds tremendous joy to being together because it eliminates or greatly reduces the amount of necessary communication.
You can now also see, for whom this relationship model is NOT satisfactory, and that is for people who want to communicate about their relationship.
For whom the tuning in to the dynamics of the day
– who’s the strong one today? Who’s the selfish one? What needs correcting? What needs adding? What’s something to look out for? –
is the glue that holds the relationship together.
The Baby Koala Relationship does not have glue, the material cannot tear, and once attached to each other you cannot break it apart by refraining from daily touch ups.
It’s sturdy as hell.
It’s like two different parts that are a perfect fit, and screwed together with bolt and nut.
This is another great analogy: A Baby Koala Relationship can be UNscrewed, and then attached in another Baby Koala Relationship. And you can do this as often as you like.
Whereas if you glue things together, and then take them apart, both parts could get damaged easily.
The everyday life of the Baby Koala and the Caregiver, revolves around the daily care of the Baby Koala.
The Baby Koala, perhaps unsurprisingly, blossoms when it feels loved, and there is clarity.
Life must be predictable, and you must ask the Baby Koala simple questions, the same way you do to a toddler.
You’re on a holiday with your Baby Koala, and the Baby Koala is typing furiously on their laptop. Or they are drawing or painting. You can see that they are deeply submerged in their art.
But it’s been over three hours since the Baby Koala ate, and you want to go on a city trip in the afternoon.
You now say:
“Do you want cheese on your omelet?”
These 7 (!) words, are all the communication you need to tell the Baby Koala:
– that you’re going to lunch
– and when you’re going to lunch
– that it’s time to wrap up
If after lunch your Baby Koala says they want to finish something, you can agree on that. Or, alternatively, you can offer to take the city trip by yourself and leave the Baby Koala with its creative endeavors in the afternoon.
Baby Koalas are not companions who join you for your pleasure, but they’ll gladly join if they’re free.
You must give them a choice though.
So the key to taking care of a baby koala is to offer choice, but do not ask open questions about the day to day things.
This sounds like easy communication but it illustrates a caregiver should not ask a baby koala things like:
– when are you finished with your art
– when do you want to have lunch
– do you even want to have lunch
– what do you want for lunch
“Do you want cheese on your omelet?”
And then the baby koala will answer,
“Yummy lunch! Yes! I am SO hungry!”
or “Yummy lunch! No, thank you no cheese. I’m SO hungry!”
The baby koala is the most appreciative partner you could ever imagine.
The sex life of this couple is separated from normal life, although this does not have to mean that they plan it.
It is possible that the dynamics shift, during everyday life;
Where one changes the dynamics to mature, exciting, playful, as an open invitation to see if the other joins.
Another alternative to setting a date night, would be to use Whatsapp, and send a sexy message.
These messages are initiated by the caregiver, and are sent because she or he picks up on a vibe or feeling, a hunch, with regard to the baby koala.
Or because he or she is inspired to make a sexual suggestion.
However, and this is super super important, sex is never suggested by the caregiver because he or she wants sex or feels entitled to have sex.
The reality is this:
Sex is just an expression of the caregiver taking extremely good care of his or her baby koala.
–>>>> A caregiver is therefore a man or woman who wants to conquer his partner time and time again.
And a baby koala is someone who wants to be conquered, over and over again. <<<<<-
So to say daily life and sexuality are “separated” means that there is no flirting or sex when they are in baby koala/ caregiver mode.
However “sexy” dates, time when they come out of this mode, are MANDATORY!
But not for the reason you think.
For a safe baby koala caregiver relationship to work, it is very important that they both stay in check with their own sexual adventurous nature.
So when a couple has a date night the purpose is to support each other in their sexuality.
What turns them on, what things would they like to try?
What did they see on the internet that gave a physical reaction?
Date night can mean that it looks like a regular date, where there is flirting, and the attention is very much with each other, ultimately leading to sex.
But the purpose is much broader;
Sexual time for this couple, or date night, means that it are the moments when both can be in their true sexual power, and can grow in their desires and what they want out of life. Including their sexual lives.
Date night, or the sexual moments are when the two partners claim their individuality, their true strength.
And are comfortable acknowledging that they are ultimately both free beings.
They say the reason sex is so good at the beginning of a relationship, and often withers away after that, is because sex needs separation, in order to be good. If the two are already one, there cannot be good sex.
Date night and the sexual moments are there to honor and celebrate separation, and the strengths of two adults.
NON-EXCLUSIVITY/ SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE
- FOR THE CAREGIVER
I don’t think it needs any explanation that in particular the caregiver is entitled to their nights out, and other partners on the side!
Constantly paying attention to what the baby koala needs in terms of food, sleep, and if it doesn’t get overstimulated;
That really requires some downtime when you can be your adult self.
In order to do this, there must be clarity towards the baby koala about when the caregiver is gone, for how long he or she will be gone, and when he or she is coming back.
And there must be a protocol the baby koala should follow when the caregiver does not return at said time.
In terms of Whatsapp conversations and so on, with other partners or interests, it is very important not to bring those dynamics into the relationship with the baby koala.
Great emotional hygiene is asked of the caregiver:
They can have other partners, but the daily attention must be with the baby koala.
When the caregiver returns from their time with other people, it is soothing for the baby koala if it can take care of the caregiver.
Again; The way children make breakfast for their parents.
So don’t expect the baby koala to have conversations with you, helping you articulate your feelings or such.
But if you say that you will probably be tired when you get home, and ask the baby koala to help out preparing the lunch and letting you take a little nap in the afternoon, you will find him or her eager to take care of you.
Be specific in your requests, and the baby koala will take care of you with the same love and devotion that you have been taking care of them.
- FOR THE BABY KOALA
The dating life of the baby koala looks entirely different to that of the caregiver.
It can best be compared to the way children have play dates:
Anything can happen, and these dates are about growth as much as they are about pleasure.
The caregiver supports the baby koala in his or her path of growth, which requires flexibility and wisdom.
You could say that the growth for the caregiver is much more in supporting the baby koala with his or her sex life, than through experiencing their own.
Baby koalas are emotional melting pots where all kinds of expected and unexpected stuff can happen.
They may run home crying and need immediate support, or they could text you that they would like to stay a few extra days.
As predictable and reliable the caregiver needs to be in communicating his or her out-the-door sexuality;
That is how all over the place you can expect the sex life of the baby koala to be.
And again, emotional hygiene of the caregiver is what is going to save the day. Be clear. Do not project your own emotions on the baby koala, but think about what is healthy for him or her or be very clear on your boundaries.
For example: If the baby koala wants to stay on his or her date longer, but you are stressed out because you have been on call for your baby koala for 24 hours, you can tell or text the baby koala:
“I’m so happy you’re having such a good time!
You can stay, but I will not be able to meet you then when you get home.
You can also make a new date with him or her next weekend.”
THE FOUR TENDENCIES
There is a book and a system from Gretchen Rubin. It is called “The Four Tendencies”, and it divides into four groups. It’s about how you deal with expectations.
– the Upholder, responds to outer and inner expectations
These are people that keep their resolutions but also their obligations to others.
– the Obliger, responds to outer expectations.
An Obliger will meet expectations of others, but not their own. This is why they need to create accountability, in order to do what they want to do for themselves.
– the Questioner, responds to inner expectations.
A Questioner will be more likely to do what they set out to do because it is important to them, and not what others expect.
What they need to do before they can meet the demands of others, is to internalize these external expectations.
This means asking questions and collecting data.
As soon as they know Why, the expectation is internalized and they will have no trouble meeting them.
– the Rebel, responds to neither outer nor inner expectations
How to handle the baby koala is similar to how to handle a Rebel, by what Gretchen Rubin describes as the three C’s:
You communicate without judgement, double layers, but most of all without expectations
You give them the choice between staying longer or postpone to next weekend.
You tell him or her you won’t be home if they stay away longer.
I think the caregiver of this relationship, would be an Obliger;
The baby koala gives the external accountability the Obliger needs, but will never take advantage of Obliger’s tendency to give too much.
It is much harder for an Obliger to not fall into the trap of giving too much, when he or she deals with Questioners and Upholders, than with a Rebel or a baby koala.
And a Rebel or a baby koala can shield the Obliger from the expectations of other people.
Because now the Obliger can politely refuse:
“I can’t do it, I have to take my partner home.” (a baby koala)
The positive complementary relationship between Obligers and Rebels is described in the book:
The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin.
And if you want to know if you are an Obliger, Questioner, Rebel or an Upholder, you can take her test on: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/
Or search for videos on YouTube about this model.
As I come to the end of this post about this relationship model, I realize more than ever there is so much to be said about this relationship.
So many good stuff, about all the problems and traps it avoids!
And I could write just as much about its limitations. About all the situations where this model is not going to work.
I knew this post could only be broad strokes, but I think it will be enough for the ones whom it is for.
And they will have a place to start.
Suzanne L. Beenackers
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