I almost amputated the wrong arm

When I say I almost amputated the wrong arm, I mean I once again caught myself wanting to terminate a healthy part of my life, without noticing it was actually a response to introducing a not healthy part.

It all started last weekend, when I ordered a new laptop so I could start  a new business that was not hinging on my writing or my yoga. It would make me money, buy me time to develop a new yoga career, and also give me an identity until the more abstract and artistic things I really wanted to be known for, took off.
This was business coaching.

I have been contemplating my own art and business career as a coachee for almost four years now, I was an entrepreneur until 2020, have a degree in business, binge on marketing like others on Netflix (although I sometimes also binge on Netflix) and there are few things that excite me more, than when my entrepreneur friends allow me to think with them about their business.
The number of hours I have spent on thinking about business, money, and how entrepreneurship is the absolute best tool for personal development, for financial freedom and really for creating Rock Star Freedom as a whole, exceeds the number of hours I have spent on my yoga mat.

Business coaching was not just an acceptable business model to support my art; It was an exciting one. And one I knew I would never get enough of.

That was until I noticed I wanted to practically burn my yoga, delete all my yoga channels, and erase 25 years of yoga from my existence.
It all started getting very destructive, very quickly, the day I unpacked the new laptop, and I also heard what a pain-in-the-ass hassle it would be to organize yoga events.
And it was also the first time I realized I would basically be working for peanuts.

It was an understanding that real life events for the consumer market will always be way less profitable, as well as a lot more vulnerable physically, as well as mentally, when compared to giving one-on-one business coaching to entrepreneurs and artists, who would be making their investment back in coin and not in an experience.
And I would get to keep it all, didn’t have to pay anyone any fees, had zero travel time, didn’t need to plan months in advance, didn’t require tech support, no new wardrobe, it was age sustainable, and business coaching didn’t have intimidating physical requirements.
Plus it was pandemic-proof and didn’t suffer from impossibly high costs for heating or real estate.

But becoming a business coach in a global world was not just a solid choice, to support my artistic career(s);
It was also an affirmation that I was better off forgetting about art altogether. Because from now on, every hour on my yoga mat and every hour I would write, would cost me between €100 and €125. 
It proved how easy making money was, and how pointless art was.

For one whole shockingly unproductive week, this stuff festered under the surface, already doing its destructive work. But I didn’t know it.
I thought my lethargy was because I was adjusting to the idea that my new laptop would soon arrive and my new business would finally start.
A silence before the storm. Not that I was silently finishing off my yoga career.

It’s Sunday night here. Because I had such a bad feeling about wasting the past 7 days, I went grocery shopping to win back time for the upcoming week.
And while I made my way around the supermarket, I thought about the schedule I had made with all the things I needed to do to attend to all my businesses. And realized that practicing yoga would just have to be cancelled.

I was allowed to do all my yoga ON camera, so that yoga was productive. But with all the work I absolutely wanted to get done every day, something had to go, and practicing yoga was not making any money, so out with that one.
And once I decided that, I realized I would never develop my idea of Rock Star Yoga events, which were real life yoga classes or events, with rock music.

Without a daily yoga practice, I would not feel confident enough. Yoga events would not be what I wanted them to be, unless I practiced and developed them, every day.
I was a bit sad that I was now not going to have yoga events, but since I realized brick and mortar businesses in many industries, were really no longer part of real big boys economics anyway, and they do come with high costs and liabilities, the step to also delete yoga performer/entertainer together with practicing yoga, was a tiny one.

And then I wondered: Do I even want to teach yoga on video, anyway?
Or had I merely been suffering from a Messiah complex that I thought people needed my yoga to “get” it?
And before I was in the final section (pet food) I had decided, that although I had a lot of explaining to do, business cards to redo, and that it would be humbling to say the least, to quit my yoga career and abandon all my plans;
It was indeed for the better.

Without a daily yoga practice, without yoga shows, and without the hours every day it would cost me to make yoga videos;
Being a business coach and having 2 or 3 calls a day, indeed seemed way more manageable.

I was happy I had decided to take that late-night trip to the supermarket and had been able to reflect on the previous week, and learn its lessons.
Tomorrow I would end all things yoga, and my new life as a business coach would begin.

Until, as the title says of course, I realized that the real dream was never to be a business coach.

I didn’t hop up and down at the Bon Jovi concert in 2019, had that life-transforming experience where I knew the pieces of my life were falling together and that my purpose would very soon reveal itself, because I had a vision about business coaching.
I had one about Rock Star Yoga.

And although it has gone through different phases and different shapes, and it’s still not in a final form, I did know it STILL was YOGA – that was the core.
Not writing, and not business coaching, although they are part of what I have done and will keep doing.

My desire for a recognizable business model that would also give me an identity, had almost killed the thing I really wanted.
Which is to be a daily yoga practitioner, to have 2 YouTube yoga channels and to ultimately teach Rock Star Yoga events or shows.

A new Dutch series just started on Netflix, Dirty Lines. It’s all about how money and business success can make you forget who you are.
And I think when we’re talking about telephone sex, we understand that it is something that is done only for money.
That there is no purpose or meaning behind it, just money. And that you have to be very careful not to lose yourself.

But it’s when your business has the hallmarks of a respectable business, and when it would in fact be, someone else’s dream business;
That’s when you have to worry!

Those are business models and businesses that are way more difficult to identify, as the life-destroying paths that they are.
will make you give up your most unique, creative expression.

The dirtiest lines are the ones that look the cleanest.

Suzanne L. Beenackers
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Title: “Rock Star”
or “Rock Star yoga/ business/ writer”

artists: Suzanne Beenackers, little bear Puux           
art form: performance art
phase 1: earliest expressions, mixed work, July 2019 – March 2022
phase 2: April 2022 – 

3 YouTube channels
1. English YouTube “Liberation”: Rock Star Yoga + Life lessons in Bon Jovi songs
2. Nederlandse YouTube “de Catacombe” studio voor Rock Star Yoga 
3. YouTube Rock Your Business
The headers from all channels have been changed already, so you know you re in the right spot.

4 blogs
1. Rock Star Writer
2. Yoga Blog: Daily Bon Jovi Yoga
3. World Between Worlds
4. Dutch blog: Suzanne Beenackers

2 Facebook pages
1. Rock Star Writer on Facebook
2. Dutch: Suzanne Beenackers Schrijver Facebook met beertje Puux

1 Twitter account
my personal Twitter account

NEW: Books!

You can find my books The Little Mistress Who Turned Into A Baby Koala
A Boyfriend Like Jon Bongiovi and The White Tigress Yoga Workbook
at the bottom of this page:

If you live in The Netherlands, Belgium or Germany, you can also order these books from me – just go to the bottom of this page:
to check out which ones you want, and write me an email at s_beenackers@hotmail.com.
Payment is via PayPal or bank transfer.



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